"Appendix A: DARON’s rant-- A late-night radio talk show
'When I think of killing, I think that I would use my car. It is big and potent and strong just as I am small and powerless and resigning. But I can wield it. Guns, Phalluses, yes I’ve read those books. You don’t get to have me with that whole thing.
I don’t really know. She is probably just being with me to piss off some boy she is actually interested in. I’m a high status prize. And I don’t have to go inside so I know Dateline won’t be there. And we don’t talk dirty so it doesn’t matter anyway.
Jesus, I’m constipated in my thinking or my life has gone through some bumps and I’m expecting you to feel for me, to feel for me because people feel for people once they prove they are pitiful. And I’m not spirited, and I don’t have ambitions to make up for my small size, and I am not moving forward. If the kids next door fuck with me, I yell at them. That’s the extent of my revealed courage. So. . . no. I’m not someone who’s pluck will make up for the obvious defects in my character like the fact that I feel I have defects in my character, right? That’s the only problem right? Oh if I just had confidence right?
'I’m terrified of being seen with her and being told I am one of those guys. One of those guys who dates younger women because it’s a power trip. Fact is I date younger women because they are attracted to me. Maybe because they see me as powerful, that my age has deluded her into some level of maturity. On my end all I can see is attraction. That is what I see it as and that is what I want from a lover. Yes I see that. Yes I had power over her. But I didn’t flex it. Maybe it is my only possibility of love. To have someone who is deluded. Oh of course not. The central axiom is that you deserve love. Everyone deserves love. And if everyone gets right, they’ll be lovable.
'I just don’t have enough power to pull someone in my own age bracket.. I just see it as attraction. On my fucking end I see someone interested. I haven’t seen that before, or lately. Or I don’t know.
'A plant must not grow back into the ground. This is how time works. You date someone who is 16, you are living 16 again instead of 29, and then in nine years? A person should live their age? A person should. Fuck a person should. A person should make money. A person should make themselves attractive. A person should care.
'I should be other than I am. I should be feistier. I should center my research so as to be smart about something. The fact is there is no fucking reason to do anything.
'So … I guess this counts as a free write. I guess this means that I’m not as smart as I thought I was. I’m rather sure about myself aren’t I?
'Why should you listen to me? You shouldn’t. Why should you listen to anyone else? You shouldn’t. I just happen to be here, and free, though hopefully not. I’m leaving a remnant of myself here. I am shitting. I don’t understand it. I just don’t understand it.
'I mean, whats the point of wanting something that is bigger than what you can do in a day? Why not just be possessed by things for the moment? Why refuse them? Why do I care then, I obviously can’t sustain something for as long as I need to to create a work of art.
'So many things you get rid of to clear your mind, that cluster you, but then, you are alone.
'And the world is some bizarre big thing that you can’t think anything about and that has no meaning. And you have lost your desire or ability to describe it
'And then he started working furiously and his synapses were hurting because he was trying trying trying and the work was more than this. He’s under cutting himself. He is not doing the job. The job of what? Of producing something unmasterbatory, but not for pleasure of anyone but himself. Why? Because he asked himself of it. Why now? Because inspiration only happens one at a time. And the inspiration is?
'Convinced of failure.
'Because I believed what they said. Did not get what I wanted. Was not sexy or protective or wise. I just I just I just nothing. I know. Nothing. Why beat yourself up about it? Well.. . .'